Tuesday, August 24, 2010

coffee interrupted...

On Monday morning, I staggered out of bed at approximately 6:15am in a fleeting attempt to enjoy a cup of coffee uninterrupted before my children awoke to greet the day. Of course, my kids have an amazing internal clock that wakes their litte selves at nearly the exact same time, usually 6:30-6:45am every day, varying only slightly. I wonder when the day will arrive when I need to utilize an alarm clock again. I know I haven't used one in 5 years (the exact age of my daughter).

As I go down stairs, I am greeted by two cats meowing for food and two dogs, anxious as ever to leave smelly gifts for me in my very overgrown yard. My coffee must wait. I feed the animals, let them outside to do their business, then begin to brew my coffee. This process doesn't take long, but it is a race with the clock to get that coffee cup in my hands!

As it brews I pace anxiously taking in that wonderful aroma as the coffee maker gurgles and drips the wonderful caffeinated beverage into the glass pot. Yay! It's almost ready. My coffee maker has always produced a favorable cup of joe. I like a bit of creamer in my coffee, so I preare my oversized green mug with a shot of vanilla in the bottom and await to pour. So far so good.

A scratch at the door; I let the dogs back in the house. Now that they have completed their morning business they are alert and happier than ever. 3 loud beeps suddenly alert me that my coffe has finished brewing. I pour the dark liquid into my cup and head over to my favorite spot by a window where the morning sun shines in the house and warms me very nicely.

Awwwwe. I take my first sip. Perfect! But then at that exact moment, I hear the sound... Yep, I look at my clock, Where did the last 20 minutes go?? My little boy, 10 months old and happy as can be is chiming through the baby monitor. "Da Da Da da," he sings to no one in particular, its just all he can say clearly. I take another sip of the coffee thinking I can maybe get a little bit more down before he is completely awake, but to no avail! The happy waking baby gets a bit more demanding by the second. My coffee will have to wait.

So, I head upstairs a little disappointed. However, when I open his bedroom door, I see blue eyes peering at me from behind his crib bars and his little eyes meet mine, a smile spreads across his little cheeks and he claps his hands with excitement. The moment is wonderful, pure delight. I have already forgotten the cup of coffee and my morning is even more wonderful than expected. And if I thought the moment couldn't get any better, a small child, my 5 year old daughter, wonders in and is now hugging my waist. Now it's perfect.

Though I spend so much of my day thinking of what needs to be done next, planning out every moment, though I think I sometimes need more than what I have, It is the smallest of smiles, the little hugs and even the tiny tears that truly make every moment worth it. If my day was so simple that I could have my coffee without interruption every day, that just might be too boring.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Potato Soup or Chicken Salad? Decisions...

If there were an award to be given for outstanding decision making skills, I would definately not be a candidate. When in this wonderful 30 years of life did I lose the ability to make quick decisions? I think I was once spontaneous, fun, creative. If I woke up and wanted to do something, I didn't sit for hours and weigh out the pros and cons. Nor did I feel the need to make a list of possible consequences to my actions.

I know that not every decision should be taken so lightly, but why is it I've lost the ability to even decide the small things? Why do I make it all so complicated? What to have for dinner? Should I get groceries today or tomorrow? What should I wear? (ladies, you know you feel me there)? Should I go out for a drink or is the high probability of a headache tomorrow not worth the fun tonight? Geeze, when did I become such a prude?

OK,OK, you are thinking that perhaps I'm not remembering that I have a family. That my children, work, obligations, and responsibilities are why things change. And yes folks, that does play a major part in it. Yes if my babies are sick I would much rather be home with them, They are my world, and I love every minute of their smiling faces, projectile vomiting, and poopie diapers. But what is my excuse when they are at their grandparents? Or when I have an available babysitter? Its time I acknowledge that I am not OK with becoming an agoraphobic prude... I must find my spontaneity again. I must reclaim my decision making and in doing so find my adventurous side once more.

So remember that sometimes we all should take a little risk, let us remember that the unknown unlocks the door to adventure, excitement, and yes the occasional next morning headache. Lets skip the list making (when its not a major life decision) and try to have a little unplanned fun. So now that we have got that out of the way, who's up for margaritas?

Monday, July 26, 2010

The Loss of laughter?

This month I have been faced with an onslaught of emotions. I realized that I often forget who I am. That in this roller coaster of life, I find it all too overwhelming to stop and breathe. I am a mother, an emplyee, a wife, a housecleaner, a cook, a friend, and a plethera of other titles. But what else? Why is it so easy to forget, amidst the chaos and routine, that I am not just a title? Why do we, as women, forget that there is a person inside us, still lingering, wondering when that small window will open and let us out again? I love my titles, my children, and my husband. I am proud of all that I am, I try each day to at least meet, if not exceed the expectations I often place on myself. However, I am more than a title. I think I have simply forgotten how to just be me.

Two days ago, I was amongst friends. Friends who I have been around often. I love their company and hope they enjoy mine. I have spent many occasions talking and visiting with them. For now we will name one of them 'Jerry.' On this specific night, I broke into laughter. Jerry smiled at me and with a look of true amazement joined in the laughter and told me he had never heard me laugh before.

It wasn't until the next day, I truly thought about this. He had never heard me laugh before. Yes I drop a "haha" here and there, give a giggle to the occasional good joke or forwarded email. But I have lost the ability to laugh. A real from the gut laugh. Realizing this, ironically, made me a little sad.

How can I find my laughter? How can I open the window wide enough to let me be all my titles, fulfill my responsiblities and still be the person that is just me? When I figure it out I will let you all know. For now, I will do whatever it takes to find laughter in my life again. To all my readers, I wish you lots of smiles and laughter everyday. Let it all out my friends.

-J. Candidly