Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Potato Soup or Chicken Salad? Decisions...

If there were an award to be given for outstanding decision making skills, I would definately not be a candidate. When in this wonderful 30 years of life did I lose the ability to make quick decisions? I think I was once spontaneous, fun, creative. If I woke up and wanted to do something, I didn't sit for hours and weigh out the pros and cons. Nor did I feel the need to make a list of possible consequences to my actions.

I know that not every decision should be taken so lightly, but why is it I've lost the ability to even decide the small things? Why do I make it all so complicated? What to have for dinner? Should I get groceries today or tomorrow? What should I wear? (ladies, you know you feel me there)? Should I go out for a drink or is the high probability of a headache tomorrow not worth the fun tonight? Geeze, when did I become such a prude?

OK,OK, you are thinking that perhaps I'm not remembering that I have a family. That my children, work, obligations, and responsibilities are why things change. And yes folks, that does play a major part in it. Yes if my babies are sick I would much rather be home with them, They are my world, and I love every minute of their smiling faces, projectile vomiting, and poopie diapers. But what is my excuse when they are at their grandparents? Or when I have an available babysitter? Its time I acknowledge that I am not OK with becoming an agoraphobic prude... I must find my spontaneity again. I must reclaim my decision making and in doing so find my adventurous side once more.

So remember that sometimes we all should take a little risk, let us remember that the unknown unlocks the door to adventure, excitement, and yes the occasional next morning headache. Lets skip the list making (when its not a major life decision) and try to have a little unplanned fun. So now that we have got that out of the way, who's up for margaritas?

Monday, July 26, 2010

The Loss of laughter?

This month I have been faced with an onslaught of emotions. I realized that I often forget who I am. That in this roller coaster of life, I find it all too overwhelming to stop and breathe. I am a mother, an emplyee, a wife, a housecleaner, a cook, a friend, and a plethera of other titles. But what else? Why is it so easy to forget, amidst the chaos and routine, that I am not just a title? Why do we, as women, forget that there is a person inside us, still lingering, wondering when that small window will open and let us out again? I love my titles, my children, and my husband. I am proud of all that I am, I try each day to at least meet, if not exceed the expectations I often place on myself. However, I am more than a title. I think I have simply forgotten how to just be me.

Two days ago, I was amongst friends. Friends who I have been around often. I love their company and hope they enjoy mine. I have spent many occasions talking and visiting with them. For now we will name one of them 'Jerry.' On this specific night, I broke into laughter. Jerry smiled at me and with a look of true amazement joined in the laughter and told me he had never heard me laugh before.

It wasn't until the next day, I truly thought about this. He had never heard me laugh before. Yes I drop a "haha" here and there, give a giggle to the occasional good joke or forwarded email. But I have lost the ability to laugh. A real from the gut laugh. Realizing this, ironically, made me a little sad.

How can I find my laughter? How can I open the window wide enough to let me be all my titles, fulfill my responsiblities and still be the person that is just me? When I figure it out I will let you all know. For now, I will do whatever it takes to find laughter in my life again. To all my readers, I wish you lots of smiles and laughter everyday. Let it all out my friends.

-J. Candidly