Stop Saying "I don't want to look like a mom" MOM YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL

I am a hairstylist. I am a mother and a wife first, but also a hair stylist. I have noticed a growing trend among my friends, colleagues and clients. A very troubling trend. I will first begin by telling you the story of me, in a break room not long ago among friends and colleagues whom I greatly respect and admire for their many talents. I sat in the break room enjoying my afternoon coffee (Afternoon coffee i.e. that which so many mothers, non mothers, or individuals who are multitasking their lives away require to function on any level of success require) when a very young and thin, and oh so cute twenty something coworker of mine whom I shall not name entered the room. I will call her Suzie Q. I sat, one of only 2 mothers in a room full of young individuals who without children, freely spend their weekends soaking up social lives in the hip and trendy places I pretend to be familiar with while being secretly totally satisfied with my not so hip and trendy weekends binge watching shows on Netflix with my best friend/husband while sipping my ever so soothing wine on my ever so comfy couch. Suzie Q came into the room flawless and adorable as she so often does, and went directly to the mirror. She had just cut her hair into what appeared to be a very cute, very hip and trendy bob. Her blonde hair and small features took to the cut perfectly and every one began smothering her with the compliments myself included. I love a cute short cut. Then the words that slip off the tongue of so many slipped through her lips. It made me cringe, made me feel sad for a moment, and then completely annoyed me so I left the room. Yet her words still resonated within me. The words she spoke were innocent enough, she meant no harm, but harm it caused none the less. My once not so fragile feelings were hurt. I was annoyed. She looked at her coworkers and asked, "do you like my cut? I mean really like it?" The compliments continued to pour over her like rain in April. And then as if it mattered not that two moms sat in the room she uttered the words, a question I have learned to despise, a phrase I wish to abolish from all females who speak: "Are you sure I don't look like a mom?" Cringe, Puke, UGH, Why?? Why has this become OK? What the F*#k does this mean? What does a mom look like? Do I look like this 'mom' she speaks of? Probably. I likely do some days. If by "look like a mom" she meant, Looks tired, exhausted, uncoordinated, likely unfashionable, or not well put together, then OK, I can give her that. I have those days. We all have those days. In that moment, the worst thing to her that could happen was to look like a, well, ME! again I say, Puke, Cringe, Ugh, Why. Thanks, I thought. I now feel like shit. Before I pretend this is the first time I have heard this said, I will tell you truthfully and sadly, it is not. I hear mothers themselves, sitting in my stylist seat, begging me to make them look less like a mom. Several times a month I hear it said. Several times a month I hear other stylists say, "that's better, now you don't look so much like a mom." GRRRRRR!!! It makes me angry. Truth be told even I have drudged up those words when getting my own haircut, "please make me look less like a mom." It has become ingrained in our minds to try hard to avoid this motherly appearance at all cost. I myself have referred to my personal favorite haircut on me as my 'mombob.' But I own that 'mombob' and I love it! I beg of you mothers out there to love your momness as well. If you get a 'mombob' then you rock that bob like no other. I will never say these words again if I can help it. I ask, what does it mean when you say to me, "I don't want to look like a mom" Or when individuals say that in front of mothers though they are not a mom themselves? What are you saying? Do you not know how that can hurt someone? In my mind I truly wanted to look at her and say, "really? WTF? I am sitting right here! Can you not see me? Are mom's also invisibl? Thank you. I now feel like shit" But I gracefuly bit my tongue and pouted silently like my 5 year old when I take his candy. I wanted to say: STOP. Do you realize you are creating a society that inadvertently tells mothers they are not attractive and that mothers should strive inwardly to be the best mothers they can be while externally presenting themselves as something they are not? Is this OK? I think not. I don't know about you, but the younger me has done the party scene. I have clubbed and danced until my body collapsed at 5 am only to go to work 2 hours later at 7. I have binge drank and vomited outside the window of a moving truck. I have lived a professional life without children. I have lived responsibly and traveled. I have lived irresponsibly and stayed home. There is nothing yet I haven't done that those younger are currently doing. And I dread, for those who find motherhood so unattractive, the day that they will wake- possibly as mothers themselves and question and doubt themselves in every way. So much so that sometimes all you can do is cry because it hurts and because the pressure to be something you aren't hurts. The same way I and so many others have questioned ourselves. It does hurt, It is difficult, I feel unattractive on some days. I feel lonely some days. I miss my younger childless self some days and would be lying if I said I did not. However, most days I feel rewarded. Most days I am so busy I don't have time to miss the old me. I am more tired than I ever imagined I would be, I am busier and exhausted at times, but I wanted this. I love this. I am good at this. I love the little people in my life more than my own breath. I love them and my life with them more than any life I had with out them. And when I want, I still look and feel pretty damn amazing. Being a mother is a huge part of who I am and damnit I want to look like a mom and I want to look like this because it IS me. I want to tell you mothers that you are beautiful. You are succeeding everyday even when you feel you are not and you probably look damn good doing it. Do not go to your hairstylist and ask them to make you look like you are not a mom when you are a mom. Do not put on a shirt and ask your friend if it makes you look like a mom. Did you hear that? Don't do it. YOU ARE A MOM. Own it. Work it. Know it. Your body and your face and your heart tell a story that your younger body could not tell. Your younger self had no idea how much you were truly capable of. Your story is amazing. You are experiences. You are life and you have created life and you nurture life. You are sexy when you want to be and casual when you want to be. Find your confidence. Ask for great hair, ask for a new look. Change is great. Great hair is great for the soul. I do not deny that. But do not think that your motherhood is not an acceptable or beautiful thing. No one is walking through Target playing 'Spot The Mom.' So chin up. Stay strong and when you hear mothers apologizing for their appearance, or for their disheveled hair, or the yoga pants and pony tails they conveniently had to wear because they are a mom; give them a big hug, give them a genuine compliment, a pat on the back, or a high five. Tell them you understand, tell them they are unsung heroes, tell them they are f*#king beautiful because they are mothers. Love them then strive to be as beautiful and as strong and as amazing as they are everyday.

ADAPTATION

Humans are made to adapt. Especially women. We are mothers, sisters, and daughters. Everytime we fall, fail, or fear, we find the strength to over come. And when we finally lift ourselves back up and push through the adversity, we are stronger and wiser than before.

coffee interrupted...

On Monday morning, I staggered out of bed at approximately 6:15am in a fleeting attempt to enjoy a cup of coffee uninterrupted before my children awoke to greet the day. Of course, my kids have an amazing internal clock that wakes their litte selves at nearly the exact same time, usually 6:30-6:45am every day, varying only slightly. I wonder when the day will arrive when I need to utilize an alarm clock again. I know I haven't used one in 5 years (the exact age of my daughter).

As I go down stairs, I am greeted by two cats meowing for food and two dogs, anxious as ever to leave smelly gifts for me in my very overgrown yard. My coffee must wait. I feed the animals, let them outside to do their business, then begin to brew my coffee. This process doesn't take long, but it is a race with the clock to get that coffee cup in my hands!

As it brews I pace anxiously taking in that wonderful aroma as the coffee maker gurgles and drips the wonderful caffeinated beverage into the glass pot. Yay! It's almost ready. My coffee maker has always produced a favorable cup of joe. I like a bit of creamer in my coffee, so I preare my oversized green mug with a shot of vanilla in the bottom and await to pour. So far so good.

A scratch at the door; I let the dogs back in the house. Now that they have completed their morning business they are alert and happier than ever. 3 loud beeps suddenly alert me that my coffe has finished brewing. I pour the dark liquid into my cup and head over to my favorite spot by a window where the morning sun shines in the house and warms me very nicely.

Awwwwe. I take my first sip. Perfect! But then at that exact moment, I hear the sound... Yep, I look at my clock, Where did the last 20 minutes go?? My little boy, 10 months old and happy as can be is chiming through the baby monitor. "Da Da Da da," he sings to no one in particular, its just all he can say clearly. I take another sip of the coffee thinking I can maybe get a little bit more down before he is completely awake, but to no avail! The happy waking baby gets a bit more demanding by the second. My coffee will have to wait.

So, I head upstairs a little disappointed. However, when I open his bedroom door, I see blue eyes peering at me from behind his crib bars and his little eyes meet mine, a smile spreads across his little cheeks and he claps his hands with excitement. The moment is wonderful, pure delight. I have already forgotten the cup of coffee and my morning is even more wonderful than expected. And if I thought the moment couldn't get any better, a small child, my 5 year old daughter, wonders in and is now hugging my waist. Now it's perfect.

Though I spend so much of my day thinking of what needs to be done next, planning out every moment, though I think I sometimes need more than what I have, It is the smallest of smiles, the little hugs and even the tiny tears that truly make every moment worth it. If my day was so simple that I could have my coffee without interruption every day, that just might be too boring.

Potato Soup or Chicken Salad? Decisions...

If there were an award to be given for outstanding decision making skills, I would definately not be a candidate. When in this wonderful 30 years of life did I lose the ability to make quick decisions? I think I was once spontaneous, fun, creative. If I woke up and wanted to do something, I didn't sit for hours and weigh out the pros and cons. Nor did I feel the need to make a list of possible consequences to my actions.

I know that not every decision should be taken so lightly, but why is it I've lost the ability to even decide the small things? Why do I make it all so complicated? What to have for dinner? Should I get groceries today or tomorrow? What should I wear? (ladies, you know you feel me there)? Should I go out for a drink or is the high probability of a headache tomorrow not worth the fun tonight? Geeze, when did I become such a prude?

OK,OK, you are thinking that perhaps I'm not remembering that I have a family. That my children, work, obligations, and responsibilities are why things change. And yes folks, that does play a major part in it. Yes if my babies are sick I would much rather be home with them, They are my world, and I love every minute of their smiling faces, projectile vomiting, and poopie diapers. But what is my excuse when they are at their grandparents? Or when I have an available babysitter? Its time I acknowledge that I am not OK with becoming an agoraphobic prude... I must find my spontaneity again. I must reclaim my decision making and in doing so find my adventurous side once more.

So remember that sometimes we all should take a little risk, let us remember that the unknown unlocks the door to adventure, excitement, and yes the occasional next morning headache. Lets skip the list making (when its not a major life decision) and try to have a little unplanned fun. So now that we have got that out of the way, who's up for margaritas?

The Loss of laughter?

This month I have been faced with an onslaught of emotions. I realized that I often forget who I am. That in this roller coaster of life, I find it all too overwhelming to stop and breathe. I am a mother, an emplyee, a wife, a housecleaner, a cook, a friend, and a plethera of other titles. But what else? Why is it so easy to forget, amidst the chaos and routine, that I am not just a title? Why do we, as women, forget that there is a person inside us, still lingering, wondering when that small window will open and let us out again? I love my titles, my children, and my husband. I am proud of all that I am, I try each day to at least meet, if not exceed the expectations I often place on myself. However, I am more than a title. I think I have simply forgotten how to just be me.

Two days ago, I was amongst friends. Friends who I have been around often. I love their company and hope they enjoy mine. I have spent many occasions talking and visiting with them. For now we will name one of them 'Jerry.' On this specific night, I broke into laughter. Jerry smiled at me and with a look of true amazement joined in the laughter and told me he had never heard me laugh before.

It wasn't until the next day, I truly thought about this. He had never heard me laugh before. Yes I drop a "haha" here and there, give a giggle to the occasional good joke or forwarded email. But I have lost the ability to laugh. A real from the gut laugh. Realizing this, ironically, made me a little sad.

How can I find my laughter? How can I open the window wide enough to let me be all my titles, fulfill my responsiblities and still be the person that is just me? When I figure it out I will let you all know. For now, I will do whatever it takes to find laughter in my life again. To all my readers, I wish you lots of smiles and laughter everyday. Let it all out my friends.

-J. Candidly